Tired of Trying to Prove Myself. Done.
Aren’t you tired?
Because I am. Tired of constantly hunting success, status, to be someone.
What do success and being “someone” even mean?
Isn’t being myself and doing my best at any given moment enough?
Those thoughts and questions kept buzzing in my head over the past couple of months toward the end of 2022. The beginning of 2023 was not different and I did not have any resolutions or visions for myself, just the itchy need to finally figure out who am I, where I am at, and what I stand for.
Nothing New. It Just Finally Clicked.
Really, I did not come up with anything groundbreaking or anything I would not know already. This time, the difference was that I promised myself to embrace this inner feeling and live by it every day.
Since high school, I was wired to the notion that I have to become successful. Whether it be climbing a career ladder or getting a label of being of some specific profession and specialization, for example, lawyer. Indeed, that was even my starting point. But what happened along the way, was that I dropped out of the law’s direction and took on the journey of the unknown. It’s been four years of exploring positions and companies wherever the opportunity raised for me.
Over the past 4 years, I have been developing myself and upgrading my skill set. Even up to this date I still can’t say this is who I am when it comes to my career. Sure I am good at what I am doing and getting paid for my efforts, but I am not a finished picture at all. It took years of meeting some amazing people who are jumping between roles, learning new skills, and trying new challenges, just to realize this is also the way.
. . .
My Career, Job, or Title does not Define My Worth
Accepting and embracing that this undefined journey is neither right nor wrong. But it just works for me. It is an authentic and individual experience that simply can’t be labeled. I can’t be labeled.
But over these past four years of an unexplored and exciting journey, I was also stressed about turning 30 and not being defined. With it came also the salary question, so I could also keep upgrading my life, home, wardrobe, experiences, and financial freedom. Because it was about time to have it slowly all, as this was also my understanding of what success looks like. And for the fact, unfortunately, these two go hand in hand.
Those dreams or plans of mine to keep getting there so I can buy a bigger apartment, house, or car, and finally get that branded boots, bag, or quality good denim jeans every season. This Instagram envy-inspired need of upgrading to take holidays 4 times a year and somewhere exotic to spend another hundred dollars on dinners and drinks.
I had my eyes on the image of an upgraded future or being finally labeled as a professional. This desire to have something and be someone worthy of being labeled as successful was my motive all my life.
Until I sat down and realized this year, that while all this hunt for more was happening I have managed to build a safe base.
So I started asking do I really want more?
Work Hard to Live Hard
Despite all being said, I still kept fighting the feeling of what if I am not being enough or not doing enough. But for who, what, and where? Don’t I have a stable job? Don’t I have a home? Don’t I take vacations? Don’t I enjoy my current job? I do with the capital D.O! So why were my thoughts rushing me to keep on upgrading?
Upgrading to the shinier role, fancier role, or senior role. Upgrading the paycheck. Upgrading the apartment and material things in my life.
Do I need an upgrade? I thought. But I am choosing to slow down.
. . .
What Do You Want?
I thought I want it all. The career, the high living standard, to keep leveling up until I reach my retirement years rich and equipped. But no. I looked around and I am good. I am more than good.
I have a stable job, respectful and supportive colleagues, enough salary to pay my bills and make some savings. My family is healthy, my fiance and I are healthy and really happy. We go out for dinners and drinks sometimes, we do take holidays (not exotic) and we do buy clothes and things when needed.
Do we need more? We always need more, yes. Do we want more? No.
Freedom
This realization and appreciation make me feel free and at peace. Free of expectations of myself and others, free of stress, and free of trying way too hard. Slowing down to work and living at ease. To breathe, to walk, to talk, to sit. Just to be here doing what I am doing at the moment and enjoying what I have.
I keep trying to perform my best on all fronts. But this time, with a different drive and motive which is to maintain what I already and thankfully still have – time, energy, and health to pursue my passions, learnings, and mostly, to be present with myself, my dear family, and friends.
I value time. Because we are not running out of money and compliments. We are running out of time. I am so grateful for the time I have and so I choose to spend it where I personally find it valuable, fulfilling, and satisfying. Finally, 2023 is the year when I see clearly what success means to me.
Tina